I think I haven’t been completely honest with my own feelings and it’s hard to write this down. Come to think of it, I think I’ve not let myself have any personal feelings for the past half year or so. Everything was clouded with expectations, and most of all, fixing the world.
Now, that is an interesting ideal, fixing the world, and I’m not in any case speaking against it. However, it’s very easy to float off to some muddy shore, someplace you don’t know very well, to do some making-the-world-a-better-place there. Whenever I’m on a fixing spree, I’m focused on everything but my personal feelings. I’m not even focused on someone else’s feelings so much, as to me, the truth has little to do with being kind, and a lot with being forward. I’m the one you go to when everyone says it doesn’t matter what you do, to tell you straight up, it does. And quit messing around. Yeah.
Since every 20-something seems chaotic inside, all my close friends are in comparable or completely different messes. I don’t mind caring for them, it’s a given. But lately I felt like I was surrounded by negativity all the time – coming from fixing the world online to fixing the world in my personal life. Spending a month in Portugal with no sounds coming from the outer, influencial world, all went quiet inside my head. And it hit home. I felt suddenly insecure. I was afraid what other travellers would think of me. I was less of a hippie than I would have expected. I was embarrassed by how I behaved. I was not sure if I did the right thing – socially speaking.
Socialising should be a natural thing to do and suddenly without typing in words, it wasn’t. It wasn’t as if I was behaving oddly, but I felt like I was being watched by a negative me all the time.
At the same time it was great feeling like I could learn to do it right all over. We were thrown into a very unknown social situation and it turned out wonderful. We actually made great friends. Maarten and I spoke to each other, without facing phones. It sounds like a normal thing to do, but apparently in the real world it isn’t. We talked and talked and talked. And I cried and cried and cried. Portugal threw me around and built me back up from scratch.
And then I came home. And noticed nothing had changed here. Lots of great new values and awesome memories had entered my head and are still there, but pushed back a little. I feel like I should spend more time not being in front of a screen, but that seems impossible in this world.
The noise of the world of influence does not hold room for creativity.