I can do this.
I am moving to England in a week and it has all been so surreal. Is so surreal. Maarten and I pushed ourselves into one of our rooms with all of our stuff and decided that we were going to live like just-moved-out teens for 17 days, and this includes the bad eating habits and the lack of energy. Unfortunately, my last two weeks in the Netherlands now feel odd, instead of, ahh I’m so going to miss this. I don’t know if I will miss this.
Last weekend I had my going away party, which was a lot of fun, lots of people came to say ‘hey!’ and ‘goodbye!’, though it didn’t feel like a goodbye cause half of the party were people I will still be seeing before I leave. So they made it feel like nothing is going to happen. This is why it’s so surreal. I feel like I am totally prepared, I’ve done all my stuff, I’ve arranged everything, I’ve packed.. but still there’s this overpowering emotion of nothingness. Why don’t I feel more.. shaken?
I’m afraid that if I give into the shakenness I will become either paralyzed or depressed. Make no mistake, I love the prospect of writing all the time and meeting new people, but far, far away hidden somewhere deep inside I’m terrified of leaving this fluffy feeling of nothingness and sitting-on-the-couch and easypeasy comfort. The level of dullness of it all has completely sunk in. I don’t know how to live my life any differently than doing the same thing every day.
So will it be scary to do new, actual things? Will it overwhelm me? Probably. Should I dive head first into it all? Probably. Should I leave 75% of life I know behind and not look back too far? Yes.
I can do this.